Scheduling Conflicts

As Google Calendar and Microsoft Word have been my tools for scheduling my time, I have been busily trying to set time for all of my commitments. Listing ever commitment this semester: 5 3-credit classes, a 3 credit (10 hr/wk) research team, go club president, and a Verse|One dance crew member. After plotting everything, it seems that I can fit all in EXCEPT homework for FOUR of my classes (note: I have five classes).

What a bummer. That means I will have to sacrifice my weekends: No, I'm not going to neither the Catholic Students retreat, nor the Cantonese Club's trip to NY, nor any Asian Organization meetings, nor participating in the Barrio Fiesta play (even though I really wanted to).

Let's not spread ourselves too thin.

Son of a bitch.

Light and Day

Five hours of each and every Monday this semester is spent doing research, and it becomes a transition between the light of day and the darkness of night. I feel slightly fearful by the fact that at 1:00, I see a beautiful day with the sun up high in the sky, and then quickly ending with the sun falling into the sixth hour as I walk home seeing mud just rimming my loafers. It's a transition between two phases; it's a question to think about: Did I get enough done during the daytime? that I'm allowed to progress into the next phase of the day? Am I allowed this privilege?

Maybe I'm too worried about wasting time spending the five hours in one place, but then again, it could rather be five hours staring at a computer screen doing nothing instead.

A Recovered Breakdown

Today, I came to believe that I once again suffered an inability. I was not working hard enough to satisfy the needs of the e-board and budget for the Rutgers Go Club. I was bothered by the fact that sometimes I would find myself having trouble communicating with my e-board, often associating to my acts of stubbornness and inconsideration. A small thing I'm trying to resolve is trying to become more willing to follow ups with my e-board at important times and to keep pushing on even if the e-board doesn't facilitate so willingly at their end.

I was able to cool my mind during a Verse|One dance practice session. Even though the meeting was held at the same time as the Super Bowl, I didn't feel like it was a waste of time. I felt welcomed and I learned a lot. Though, to be slightly technical, I felt socially awkward at times. These are moments I usually remember much more that the general good feeling I would have most of the time.

It was definitely a fun time, and also, I was surprised to find out that I got such quick replies from my e-board after I got back from Verse|One. Someone's definitely on my side, and I'm definitely trying to take the time to evaluate these matters thoroughly. It's helped me become more open minded and insightful.

Focused

Some deep concentration and a good look at the week ahead got me really productive today. I know I jammed one or two deadlines to the last minute, that has to happen... Though, I'm glad to say that other than getting those done, I think I'm ready to continue living out my semester knowing that my schedule won't be as disheveled as it was last semester.

I have been writing things down; things that would otherwise get me sidetracked during boring classes as they fall into the top margins of my notebook. The thoughts I make during class, I feel, actually become more innovative as I implement them. For years, I've written down stuff in my notebooks that I would never act upon, and therefore, I'd never come up with newer and better things for myself and projects such as for the growth of the Go Club. Yeah, I know Church is for praying and learning life lessons, but I think God has given me this good length of time to think of other things that matter to me most right now.

After a while now, I think I'm on my way to finding a new direction.

Tired....

I find that I'm starting to get tired already, thought it's only the second week. I keep yawning and feeling like I should just go back to sleep rather than go to classes. At this point, I think I need 8 to 9 hours of sleep and some tea or coffee.

In other news, I think I'm more productive, but still lacking in places. Go Club was great yesterday, 20 members. Involvement Fair, study sessions with a friend, interesting classes. However, Research Lab is getting me fearful that I'm a bit too apprehensive to start anything.

The pickmeup that I get from working this way is seeing that the Go Club is doing well and that people are still interested in making it better. I'm not very much into receiving compliments, but that is something I have to work on.

Home to See My Brother!

So, towards the afternoon, I thought I was going to have a bad day. I went to my Social Organizational Research Lab meeting and realized that it's only the first week and I'm way behind. I felt really bad for a time after that because I haven't been contributing. Though I felt a little better when the coordinator said I could do it during my office hours on Monday.

On a similar happier note, I was able to converse normally with my friends Becky, Richard and Sean from Japan's Rise to World Power during lunch today. However, these things are hit or miss because I either can socialize with Sean, or one and/or both of us will be quiet during the time. I find that difficult.

I got home to see my brother who's dropping by from Florida to do work up here. We watched some TV together and drank coffee. This time was decently okay. I was just also glad that my e-board members of the Rutgers Go Club are doing such a great job. I still have to pick a few up, but as things are getting more technical, I don't think it'll be a problem.

Okay, but slightly down

So I don't know why today feels like it sucks. I was taking my second Social Psychology class today when the professor gave us a questionaire to fill out about different ideas. I can't really explain what it was, but I got most of it wrong (more than most people). I thought that it might be because I'm lying under false philosophies of life and am unable to take it for what it is. I get so stuck feeling so utterly depressed sometimes that I generalize that life just really sucks sometimes.

I was eating with some friends for dinner when I saw that one of my friends successfully hit on one of the girls at the table. At the same time, there wasn't much for me to show to this girl, so I felt jealous. My suite mate said coincidentally, "If you make fun of a girl, she'll like you more." I know it wasn't abuse, because both parties knew each were kidding. And even though I know there's a difference between an insult and a tease, I find that I can't tell the difference and find it hard to accept any form from friends and family.

Not even winning a game of poker could make me feel better.

A Pleasant Start

Pretty good start up to a new semester. I'm on a huge Go hiatus. Even though my last post helped to calm some nerves a bit, I haven't played Go for one week until Tuesday night when we have our first Go Club meeting.

The good thing about the past week is that I have been able to remain productive: Get my textbooks, stay on track of my new reseach internship endeavors and go mad crazy on Google Docs where I keep all the documents for the Rutgers Go Club. I'm even trying to sleep earlier now (2:00 AM) It's a start. I used to sleep at 4 AM most nights last semester.

And also, I might have a mentor who will help me with fitness and social stuff. So things are looking up right now. However, the great productivity has only gone on for 2 to 3 days. Time goes too slow right now...

Playing More Games

My goal since December 17th was that I would play 60 games of Go on KGS by the end of the break, which is next week. However, only thing is, I've only played less than 20. I have this habit of flip flopping, using my time doing various things with small amounts of commitment instead of concentrating on one single thing, thinking that I would be wasting my time doing too much of one thing.

Process
I would play very few games, and then go on to the vicious circle of things:
First I should read a book so that I'll get better in my games,
First I should find someone to guide me, so I can understand the book material,
First I should play a few games, so that I will have enough new experience for someone to guide me.

At the end of this, I still wouldn't understand anything.

Excuses
Another option could be, that I just keep playing all 60 games without being caught in trying to balance things.
Excuse A (Process): Books and people help me improve faster.
Excuse B: I have a huge fear of losing.
Excuse C: I hate playing people who I can't see.
Excuse D: One hour is too long for a game.
Excuse E: Oh my mom is home, she always interrupts me. I better not play.

Solutions
Solution A: Just play games. Be comfortable with playing as much as you can.
Solution B: Expect to lose around 5 games for every 1 game.
Solution C: They can't see you.
Solution D: Playing a lot of games of Go, it'll definitely take more than an hour.
Solution E: Mom respects it and leaves when I tell her.

So, I broke down everything there. And hopefully I can use the solutions to help me when I'm playing Go. Then, in a week or two, I'll look at this again and see if my expected solutions are right, or if I have to change them again.

Cleaning Up Kalat

Hey Everyone,

I created this blog with the purpose to analyze my ways and my beliefs, and at the same time, listen to people's feedback and comments to help me through my journey of what I call "My Messy Fuseki".

Fuseki is actually Japanese terminology that describes the opening play in the board game Go or Wei-qi. I feel that there's a lot for me to do and a lot of things to change. It's as if I'm still discovering the opening play of my life. Kalat is a filipino word that means "Mess", and it is what my mom always emphasizes to me when she wants me to clean up my room.

I will be as thoughtful as I can about my thoughts and actions, and to avoid looking at things from a perspective of depression. And through feedback that hopefully might come as well as my own self-analysis, I can help myself clean up the kalat.

Thanks,
Andrew